i dunno.

I know I always end up starting a "blog" and then kinda get away from it... but i've been having the need to write again. On what subject? Life, of course. I don't really expect anyone to be reading this ( and I'm fine with it.) A lot of the things I'm going to be writing would seem to be for my own personal "ventage" anyways.

so, today is the last day of 2008. ( i suppose this blog could be a new-years resolution)

my thoughts have been jumbled up for the past few months. Dealing with a lot of crap, i guess you could say. i'm feeling sick again today. My Lito died this year; and it's been one of the hardest things I've dealt with in my life so far. I'm still in that denial phase, which isn't good. I'm convincing myself that he's still alive- somewhere. And when I go visit my Lita, that my Lito's just not there. Like, I'm always trying to find him... I don't think it's really a good healthy way to be dealing with his passing on.

I've even been to his grave, and I still don't want to accept it. Not good. I go through these phases where I'm okay- and then I'm not. I think it may be depression..

Despite that though, I've been overall pretty happy with my life. Or atleast the people in my life.(: ESPECIALLY my dear Calvin Gia Kiet.

I know it's probably cheesy or stupid... and i'm sure you've heard it all before from girls my age; but i honestly do love him very much & he's made me feel something that i've never felt before. Despite everything / how hard it was in the beginning... it was all worth it. everything. all the pain lead up to something good. He's definetly fixed all my past broken hearts- but you know, sometimes I don't feel that I'm neccesarily being the "best" for him. I guess many people would feel that way in their relationships...

But, I do admit that sometimes I do make this relationship unneccsarily difficult. No matter how much I love him- I know I upset him. I don't mean to... all the time. I wish I didn't. Definetly New Years Resoultion- CHANGE. BIGGGG CHANGES. To make this relationship wayy better!

I swear it, I will. I don't want to feel such insecurities over nothing. He kinda feels that I don't trust him- which isn't neccesarily true. It's just my insecurities, my stupid... unneccesary insecurities, that would make it seem that way. & I honestly want to RID OF THEM!

RID OF EVERYTHING NEGATIVE. So everything will end up okay in the end. Calvin, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I honestly, honestly do.<3

(: I'm ready for a change.