Monday, February 9, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Surprisingly still pretty "refreshed" & happy for the most part. I'm trying to live up to that new year's resolution of keeping a blog - it's frustrating only because I have other things to do, but plenty on my mind. Siempre.
I just don't have the time to piece my thoughts together, nor do I have the attention span for a blog. If I honestly wanted to write about EVERYTHING that I feel right now, then I don't think I'd be able to do it.. .because it'd be way too much to write! I feel rather sick (internally), however my mind& heart are doing just fine!
I'm really becoming hard on myself. About everything. Friendships. Relationship. Academics. I'm really battering&bruising myself. I just wanna be happy, you know? But i've always felt that it's easier to be sad than happy. But I don't want a reason to feel sad anymore... and it seems like I always force it upon myself to feel melancholy.
melancholy&crestfallen are som of my favourite words , but it doesnt mean i wanna feel like that! Those feelings cause way too many problems in my social life.. I just want to live a happy life with Calvin. And that's all. I want to drown out everything else, people's opinions (especially) & other people- because they shouldnt matter in our relationship.
Help me, God.
Help me to put the greatest trust in him,
Because i've never felt so sure about anything before.<3
Monday, February 2, 2009
I love Calvin, I honestly really do.
And I honestly plan on spending the rest of my life with him. And yeah, we both feel the same way... and if we feel the same way, - i mean i know we're going to change as people as we get older... but, that doesn't mean we have to change how we feel about eachother.
If anything we should be able to grow closer together as a couple, not farther apart. I just had to get that off my chest, 'cause i'm fucking tired of peoples bullshit opinions. but those opinions shouldnt matter right?
I really should sleep soon, Denny's tomorrow morning with Calvin Gia Kiet.
He really is lovely...
& I'm very much in love. With him. & only him. :]
Monday, January 26, 2009
But you know what? I blame myself. I always say, "I don't deserve you." And you say - "don't say that." but you know what? it's true... isn't it? I'm fucking ridiculous guys. I'm already planning my after-life. I shouldn't even be thinking about my death especiallly since i'm barely already living my life. I'm sixteen going on seventeen; and i'm already fucking morbid about everything.
I seriously need to stop thinking about death and focus on being alive now. I sometimes wonder if I actually want to die- and that's probably why i think about it so much. i don't really know. but to tell you the truth folks, i'm fucking afraid.
i'm afraid that i won't see anyone i love ever again. :\
i'm depressing myself over the unknown.
How do I stop?
You don't. I won't until I know.
But-- the only way to know would be to die.
And I'm afraid to die.
(MAN, isn't this frustrating?)
I'll find out in time, but, if there really is nothing. Well then, I will live my "after-life" in fear&sorrow. But who says i'll even be able to feel anything? To see anyone? That's what scares me. THE DARK ABYSS OF NOTHINGNESS.
and the fact that i might not be able to see, hear, or feel anything or anyone ever again.
My heart is in two folks.
Especially when you're in love with someone that has a different religion as you.
That means- i won't see him in "heaven"? I don't know. I don't fucking know.
If that's the case- I'm very, very afraid.
I'M TAKING EVERYTHING FOR GRANTED.
i just contradicted myself, you know.
i really shouldn't live my life this way- in such sorrow, or in my own self-pity.
i suppose i should just appreciate everyone & everything 'cause one day it'll be over.
Once again, pretty morbid.
But it's the truth isn't it?
I have mixed feelings about everything.
part of me wants to convert so i'll live on with you,
but the other part of me would like to rest.
especially after all this suffering on my heart, body, mind, and soul.
i shouldn't be afraid, right?
i mean... i'm not a bad person or anything.
it's not like i'll be condemned to anything bad . . .
but i'm not the best person in the world either.
especially when it comes down to religion or one's faith.
i question God all the time.
You really think he's going to let me enjoy my after-life?
I want to believe in something,
but I don't know if what i'm believing is the right thing.
I think Religion accounts for those who fear death actually.
because they need to believe in something.
That there's something else after.
It's for those who question, "What comes next?"
i guess i'm afraid if i do decide to become more religious that when I do pass on, that there will be NOTHING.
I often pray that God will give me a vision of heaven.
But, I sometimes believe that heaven is your own idea.
It exsists, if you want it to.
And you'll be there for eternity, the way you want it to be.
If I believe there will be nothing, then hell,
i'll be stuck in nothing forever.
I might even end up "killing myself" up in heaven.
Since I question everything... God might not allow me to be in my invisioned heaven.
I might be stuck - questioning myself forever.
I really hope that in time, I will be able to become a person of faith.
I need to believe in something, to save me and my soul from "hell;"
hell= darkness. nothing. no one. isolation.
heaven= seeing everyone i've ever loved in my life again.
but, i don't know.
i can't worry about it now...
Hear my prayers.
Help to calm my soul.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The hardest part, out of everything, had to be getting you to fall in love with me.
The hardest part, is over.
Now, everything's just going to be a test.
All the choices that can be made, are tests.
Tests of one's feeelings. & it's up to them to make whatever choices they make.
and it's up to the other to just believe in them.
Because, if you have any doubts in your mind.... the more likely you're going to convince yourself of it all coming true.
Just because you're weak, you don't need to drag your weakness into this relationship. [goodpoint.]
there's no point being with someone, no matter how much you love them, if you're going to be insecure all the time. it makes the relationship hard, especially if they feel that you can't trust them.-can you hear your own words? Seeing it this way, makes me begin to understand better.
The Way I See It,
you can't change what happened in the past. You can't erase how anyone felt in the past Or what anyone thought about you in the past-
you just appreciate the fact that everything changed & move on from there.
sure, stop to look back sometimes... but only to realize what you got out from those experiences & what you learned. Learn the mistakes & never make the same ones again.
From here on out, no stopping to look back at the past. If you can full on see & hear & feel past experiences, you've stopped too much. But, if you only take a quick second to glance, that's fine. But-
you'll live your life better if you just focus on where you are now, and start thinking of your ideal future. and that's it. that's all you can do.
now don't you feel better meghann?