Open me up and you will see,

I'm a gallery of broken hearts.

But you know what? I blame myself. I always say, "I don't deserve you." And you say - "don't say that." but you know what? it's true... isn't it? I'm fucking ridiculous guys. I'm already planning my after-life. I shouldn't even be thinking about my death especiallly since i'm barely already living my life. I'm sixteen going on seventeen; and i'm already fucking morbid about everything.

I seriously need to stop thinking about death and focus on being alive now. I sometimes wonder if I actually want to die- and that's probably why i think about it so much. i don't really know. but to tell you the truth folks, i'm fucking afraid.

i'm afraid that i won't see anyone i love ever again. :\
i'm depressing myself over the unknown.
How do I stop?
You don't. I won't until I know.
But-- the only way to know would be to die.

And I'm afraid to die.
(MAN, isn't this frustrating?)

I'll find out in time, but, if there really is nothing. Well then, I will live my "after-life" in fear&sorrow. But who says i'll even be able to feel anything? To see anyone? That's what scares me. THE DARK ABYSS OF NOTHINGNESS.
and the fact that i might not be able to see, hear, or feel anything or anyone ever again.
that's it.


My heart is in two folks.
Especially when you're in love with someone that has a different religion as you.
Different beliefs.
That means- i won't see him in "heaven"? I don't know. I don't fucking know.
If that's the case- I'm very, very afraid.
I'M TAKING EVERYTHING FOR GRANTED.

i just contradicted myself, you know.
i really shouldn't live my life this way- in such sorrow, or in my own self-pity.
i suppose i should just appreciate everyone & everything 'cause one day it'll be over.
Once again, pretty morbid.
But it's the truth isn't it?
I have mixed feelings about everything.
part of me wants to convert so i'll live on with you,
but the other part of me would like to rest.
especially after all this suffering on my heart, body, mind, and soul.

i shouldn't be afraid, right?
i mean... i'm not a bad person or anything.
it's not like i'll be condemned to anything bad . . .
but i'm not the best person in the world either.
especially when it comes down to religion or one's faith.
seriously.
i question God all the time.
You really think he's going to let me enjoy my after-life?

I want to believe in something,
but I don't know if what i'm believing is the right thing.
You know?

I think Religion accounts for those who fear death actually.
because they need to believe in something.
That there's something else after.
It's for those who question, "What comes next?"
i guess i'm afraid if i do decide to become more religious that when I do pass on, that there will be NOTHING.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I often pray that God will give me a vision of heaven.
But, I sometimes believe that heaven is your own idea.
It exsists, if you want it to.
And you'll be there for eternity, the way you want it to be.
If I believe there will be nothing, then hell,
i'll be stuck in nothing forever.

I might even end up "killing myself" up in heaven.
Since I question everything... God might not allow me to be in my invisioned heaven.
I might be stuck - questioning myself forever.
I really hope that in time, I will be able to become a person of faith.
I need to believe in something, to save me and my soul from "hell;"

for me,
hell= darkness. nothing. no one. isolation.

for me,
heaven= seeing everyone i've ever loved in my life again.

but, i don't know.
i can't worry about it now...
right?


Oh, someone.
Anyone.
Hear my prayers.
Help to calm my soul.

To be Honest With You.

Dear Calvin,

I've been thinking. I don't deserve you- don't say i'm wrong. Please don't. Listen. If you think about it,  you're very good to me. Although you might not feel like it, 'cause i make you feel bad... a lot. I make it seem like I control your life basically, and that's wrong of me. That's not what a girlfriend is supposed to do. If I truly love you as much as I say I do, wouldn't you think I would be different? Wouldn't you think I would be as wonderful to you as you are to me? And wouldn't you think that I would change already?! It's taken too long. And when I'm stressed out, I seem to take everything out on you- it's wrong of me. I'm sorry.

I seem to focus on everything bad that you do, or that you don't do. I seem to make a big deal out of everything- and for some reason I can't be satisfied all the time. I'm always complaining or nagging you- and that's wrong of me too. And I have no idea why you're still here, but,- I sometimes think it's time for you to go be with someone else. You need to be with someone who is as wonderful as you are. And I love you enough to understand why you would want to be with someone else. I know I make this relationship hard, and i'm sorry- but i'm letting you know that you don't have to deal with it anymore. 

-Meghann.

Help me find myself, Like, How I Found You.

So... what's been up with me lately? I don't know. I'm sleep deprived. An emotional wreck. Fatigued. Stressed. On edge. What's with that? Is it my period? Oh, no, i just forgot i'm a 16 year old girl still trying to find out stuff about herself.

Well, that would explain a lot. I want to bring about a lot of changes to myself, because I would feel more comfortable with them. Personally, I want to fix the exterior first then work on my interior. What can I say? Lately, I've been rather self-conscious with my appearance & i honestly don't know why. I know I shouldn't feel that way (again, the affects of being a 16-year old girl.)

Haha. & I don't want to lose my boyfriend. SO I get psycho. What a way to resolve things.

Ohh, that makes sense meghann..

jsdhfkjsdfs my fingers hurt... 

blahhh.

i should sleep.

yes, sleep is good.

i should post blogss when i'm less sleepy (: 

The Way I See It.

The Way I See It.

The hardest part, out of everything, had to be getting you to fall in love with me.
The hardest part, is over.
Now, everything's just going to be a test.
All the choices that can be made, are tests.
Tests of one's feeelings. & it's up to them to make whatever choices they make.

and it's up to the other to just believe in them.
Because, if you have any doubts in your mind.... the more likely you're going to convince yourself of it all coming true.

Just because you're weak, you don't need to drag your weakness into this relationship. [goodpoint.]

there's no point being with someone, no matter how much you love them, if you're going to be insecure all the time. it makes the relationship hard, especially if they feel that you can't trust them.-can you hear your own words? Seeing it this way, makes me begin to understand better.

The Way I See It,

you can't change what happened in the past. You can't erase how anyone felt in the past Or what anyone thought about you in the past-

you just appreciate the fact that everything changed & move on from there.
sure, stop to look back sometimes... but only to realize what you got out from those experiences & what you learned. Learn the mistakes & never make the same ones again.

From here on out, no stopping to look back at the past. If you can full on see & hear & feel past experiences, you've stopped too much. But, if you only take a quick second to glance, that's fine. But-

you'll live your life better if you just focus on where you are now, and start thinking of your ideal future. and that's it. that's all you can do.

now don't you feel better meghann?

what is love?

Love is starting off from scratch.<3
it's giving the other person the chance to fix whatever it is they broke.
& it's letting the other person forget everything that happened in the past before you two were together.

What I Realized Today Is ,

i never want to lose you, ever.


today, you made me realize all of my careless mistakes. & you also made me realize how quickly i am forgetting my resolutions. I'm sorry, how are you able to forgive a fool such as myself? Maybe... Love does overcome everything as they say. Well, I know ours does. & i'm very grateful for that... because, i'm not sure many would like to put up with me for as long as you have.

& that is why i should/ could never take you for granted. because of how wonderful you are, by always wanting to stay by my side. honestly, it makes my heart continue to grow fonder of you for this reason. & i'm really glad it's you who wants to put up with me for life; because i honestly wouldn't wanna have it any other way. & i want to thank you for the happiness that only YOU can make me feel.<3>

Your will for me to change is getting stronger, because... today, you gave me a HUGE WAKE UP CALL! And I honestly never wanna feel so....damn terrible EVER again. Which is why, I need & I will be the very best for you.<3

Iloveyou,Calvin.


[in other news],

today the day was spent with mother. mixed feelings about that one. we were getting along fine most of the day, but we also had our moments. you see, for some reason my mom looks down upon me A LOT- and i'll never really know why. it really hurts me, but when i tell her how much my feelings are hurt she'll just tell me- WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN SENSITIVE?! and just yell, and yell, and yell.

She also views me as being a bad person. i honestly don't see how or why. i'd say i'm a pretty good kid...right? i get good grades, don't do drugs or alcohol. i'm not pregnant or anything- so what the fuck mom? i hate it when she makes certain remarks about me- about what i do or have done. Oh, or the famous one. "ARE YOU RETARDED OR SOMETHING?!" ... "You just don't think."- Sorry, if I appear to be a little "slow" ; trust. when i'm with my mom i don't even FEEL like myself... at all. I feel, different. I feel STUPID- because that's what she's been telling me i've been most of my life. but what can i do? she never changes...


SHE NEVER CHANGES.

another will for me to change- i don't want to be seen as another psycho (like my mother)

i want a different approach in everything i do. i want to live my life in its entirety & be sure to NOT hurt the ONE that i love by making stupid mistakes anymore.

i've just seen my own new light.

& i know what i need to do.

thanks mom, for putting me down so much.
for breaking my spirit.
it's time to fix myself, on my own.

time for a change.

So I've been thinking & just when I think I've been making progress it just seems that I go BACKWARDS. that's not good- at all.I've set New Year's Resolutions in my mind, but I don't think I've actually looked at them in a list. So, let's list them;

1. NO procrastinating.
2. Help mom out.
3. Spend atleast one day out of the week with Mom/ a close-relative member.
4. KEEP UP jogging on the treadmil.
5. BE a better girlfriend. (: & be understanding.
6. Try to be more social & GO OUT!!!

That's about it really- i haven't thought about anything else. Ughh, my head's really hurting and i don't know why. I'm starting to feel kinda sick... i'm not really ready for school either... I start back on the 7th. Oh, well. I'll surivive.

So, overall, right now.. I'm feeling pretty good with my goals. I just really hope I'll be able to stick with them, because like I said, I'M READY FOR A CHANGE.<3