What I Realized Today Is ,

i never want to lose you, ever.


today, you made me realize all of my careless mistakes. & you also made me realize how quickly i am forgetting my resolutions. I'm sorry, how are you able to forgive a fool such as myself? Maybe... Love does overcome everything as they say. Well, I know ours does. & i'm very grateful for that... because, i'm not sure many would like to put up with me for as long as you have.

& that is why i should/ could never take you for granted. because of how wonderful you are, by always wanting to stay by my side. honestly, it makes my heart continue to grow fonder of you for this reason. & i'm really glad it's you who wants to put up with me for life; because i honestly wouldn't wanna have it any other way. & i want to thank you for the happiness that only YOU can make me feel.<3>

Your will for me to change is getting stronger, because... today, you gave me a HUGE WAKE UP CALL! And I honestly never wanna feel so....damn terrible EVER again. Which is why, I need & I will be the very best for you.<3

Iloveyou,Calvin.


[in other news],

today the day was spent with mother. mixed feelings about that one. we were getting along fine most of the day, but we also had our moments. you see, for some reason my mom looks down upon me A LOT- and i'll never really know why. it really hurts me, but when i tell her how much my feelings are hurt she'll just tell me- WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN SENSITIVE?! and just yell, and yell, and yell.

She also views me as being a bad person. i honestly don't see how or why. i'd say i'm a pretty good kid...right? i get good grades, don't do drugs or alcohol. i'm not pregnant or anything- so what the fuck mom? i hate it when she makes certain remarks about me- about what i do or have done. Oh, or the famous one. "ARE YOU RETARDED OR SOMETHING?!" ... "You just don't think."- Sorry, if I appear to be a little "slow" ; trust. when i'm with my mom i don't even FEEL like myself... at all. I feel, different. I feel STUPID- because that's what she's been telling me i've been most of my life. but what can i do? she never changes...


SHE NEVER CHANGES.

another will for me to change- i don't want to be seen as another psycho (like my mother)

i want a different approach in everything i do. i want to live my life in its entirety & be sure to NOT hurt the ONE that i love by making stupid mistakes anymore.

i've just seen my own new light.

& i know what i need to do.

thanks mom, for putting me down so much.
for breaking my spirit.
it's time to fix myself, on my own.