Open me up and you will see,

I'm a gallery of broken hearts.

But you know what? I blame myself. I always say, "I don't deserve you." And you say - "don't say that." but you know what? it's true... isn't it? I'm fucking ridiculous guys. I'm already planning my after-life. I shouldn't even be thinking about my death especiallly since i'm barely already living my life. I'm sixteen going on seventeen; and i'm already fucking morbid about everything.

I seriously need to stop thinking about death and focus on being alive now. I sometimes wonder if I actually want to die- and that's probably why i think about it so much. i don't really know. but to tell you the truth folks, i'm fucking afraid.

i'm afraid that i won't see anyone i love ever again. :\
i'm depressing myself over the unknown.
How do I stop?
You don't. I won't until I know.
But-- the only way to know would be to die.

And I'm afraid to die.
(MAN, isn't this frustrating?)

I'll find out in time, but, if there really is nothing. Well then, I will live my "after-life" in fear&sorrow. But who says i'll even be able to feel anything? To see anyone? That's what scares me. THE DARK ABYSS OF NOTHINGNESS.
and the fact that i might not be able to see, hear, or feel anything or anyone ever again.
that's it.


My heart is in two folks.
Especially when you're in love with someone that has a different religion as you.
Different beliefs.
That means- i won't see him in "heaven"? I don't know. I don't fucking know.
If that's the case- I'm very, very afraid.
I'M TAKING EVERYTHING FOR GRANTED.

i just contradicted myself, you know.
i really shouldn't live my life this way- in such sorrow, or in my own self-pity.
i suppose i should just appreciate everyone & everything 'cause one day it'll be over.
Once again, pretty morbid.
But it's the truth isn't it?
I have mixed feelings about everything.
part of me wants to convert so i'll live on with you,
but the other part of me would like to rest.
especially after all this suffering on my heart, body, mind, and soul.

i shouldn't be afraid, right?
i mean... i'm not a bad person or anything.
it's not like i'll be condemned to anything bad . . .
but i'm not the best person in the world either.
especially when it comes down to religion or one's faith.
seriously.
i question God all the time.
You really think he's going to let me enjoy my after-life?

I want to believe in something,
but I don't know if what i'm believing is the right thing.
You know?

I think Religion accounts for those who fear death actually.
because they need to believe in something.
That there's something else after.
It's for those who question, "What comes next?"
i guess i'm afraid if i do decide to become more religious that when I do pass on, that there will be NOTHING.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I often pray that God will give me a vision of heaven.
But, I sometimes believe that heaven is your own idea.
It exsists, if you want it to.
And you'll be there for eternity, the way you want it to be.
If I believe there will be nothing, then hell,
i'll be stuck in nothing forever.

I might even end up "killing myself" up in heaven.
Since I question everything... God might not allow me to be in my invisioned heaven.
I might be stuck - questioning myself forever.
I really hope that in time, I will be able to become a person of faith.
I need to believe in something, to save me and my soul from "hell;"

for me,
hell= darkness. nothing. no one. isolation.

for me,
heaven= seeing everyone i've ever loved in my life again.

but, i don't know.
i can't worry about it now...
right?


Oh, someone.
Anyone.
Hear my prayers.
Help to calm my soul.